The awful thread...

A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a...
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

BUMP...
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

BUMP...
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

BUMP... behind him...
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an
upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street
towards him...
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

... BUMP...
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

...BUMP...
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

...BUMP...
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin
bouncing quickly behind him ...
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

faster...
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

faster...
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

BUMP...
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

BUMP...
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

BUMP...
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door,
rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of
the coffin clapping ...
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

clappity-BUMP...
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

clappity-BUMP...
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

clappity-BUMP...
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

on the heels of the terrified man...
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His
heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in
sobbing  gasps...
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door. Bumping and
clapping towards him...
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

The man screams and reaches for something, anything... but all
he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!...
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the coffin...
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

... the coffin stops.

I LOL'd. As in, out loud.

I guess I'll add to the awful list:

A Russian and a Czechoslovakian scientist are making a study of grizzly bears. Because grizzly bears are only found in the wild in North America, they both petitioned their governments to allow them to do field research in Yellowstone Park. After many years of petitioning, their request was granted, and both scientists packed up their research materials, and flew off to the States.

When reporting to the local ranger station, the ranger informed them that it was mating season, and that it was far too dangerous to study the animals. The scientists pleaded to the ranger to let them go out there and study the bears, because this was their only chance. Finally, the ranger gave in, and the two were given cellphones, and told to report in every day at noon.

For two weeks, the Russian and the Czech reported in daily, but suddenly, they stopped calling in. Naturally, the rangers organized a search party, and quickly found the scientist's camp completely destroyed, with no sign of the two men.

There were, however, tracks of two grizzly bears, one male, one female. The rangers followed the tracks and eventually found the female grizzly bear. For fear of an international scandal, they decided that they had to kill the bear to find out if she had eaten the scientists. So, they shot the female, opened her stomach, and sure enough, there were the remains of the Russian scientist.

Upon seeing the remains, the head ranger turned to his assistant. "You know what this means, don't you?" he said.

"Yeah," the other ranger nodded. "I guess the Czech is in the male."

On the subject of bears...

Some hikers were about to set off on a day trip in a national park They had everything that they needed. Each had packed a lunch, snacks and water in a day pack. They had researched the trails in the area, and figured out the route that they were going to take, marking interesting waypoints on a map.

They had learned that there were a lot of bears in a particular part of the park that they would be passing through. One source that they found told them that bears don't like to be surprised. It said that if they hear you before they see you, then you should be ok. The recommendation was to hang a small bell from your belt or pack to warn the bears of your approach. Seeing this as a reasonable precaution, the hikers outfitted each of themselves with a small bell.

Upon arriving at the park, they first checked in at the visitor center to see if there was any important information that they had missed, and to visit the restroom. At the visitor, they struck up a conversation with a park ranger. He warned them to keep an eye out for bears, and also be aware of any bear sign in the area they would be in. Upon further inquiry, he told them to look for tracks and droppings. He described the size and shape of the tracks from the two kinds of bears in the park, black and brown bears. He also emphasized the importance of being able to identify fresh bear droppings.

When asked about how to identify bear droppings he replied: "Well, black bear droppings are going to be the smaller of the two. They will be made of mostly roots, berries, and grasses. So you might look for undigested grass, or berry seeds. Not being full of a lot of digested meat, they probably won't stink that much. The brown bear droppings, on the other hand will be fairly large, and will stink quite a bit. Oh, and one other thing to remember, the brown bear droppings will jingle when you kick them..."

    speaking of a horses a$$:

TThe US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4  feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that  gauge used?
Because that's the way they built them in England, and English  expatriates built the US Railroads.

Why did the English build them like that?
Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built  the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then?
Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and  tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would  break on some of the old, long distance roads in England , because  that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads?
Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and  England ) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.…And  the ruts in the roads?

Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had  to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the  chariots were made for Imperial Rome , they were all alike in the  matter of wheel spacing.

The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is  derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war  chariot. And bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what  horse's a$$ came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the  Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to  accommodate the back ends of two war horses!

Now, the twist to the story…
When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two  big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank.  These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs.  The SRBs are made by  Thiokol at their factory at Utah . The engineers who designed the  SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had  to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.  The  railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the  mountains.  The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel.  The tunnel is  slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as  you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the  world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two  thousand years ago by the width of a horse's a$$.

harumscarum wrote:

    speaking of a horses a$$:

So the coffin wanted cough syrup?

So maybe I'm thick headed... Or whatever that expression is (it escapes my mind right now).

mig wrote:

So the coffin wanted cough syrup?

So maybe I'm thick headed... Or whatever that expression is (it escapes my mind right now).

two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks

I remember an old adventure game (don't remember the name or the creators) where you had to break a window (pane) with a bottle of pain killers.

Lame puns FTW!

What's brown and sticky?
A stick.

What's pink and skinny?
Skin.

What's pink an wrinkly and hangs out your underwear?
Your mother.


It's like being back at school ....


Herbie

Dr Herbie wrote:

What's brown and sticky?
A stick.

What's pink and skinny?
Skin.

What's pink an wrinkly and hangs out your underwear?
Your mother.


It's like being back at school ....


Herbie