"Channel 9 should inspire Microsoft and our customers to talk in an honest and human voice."
If a human voice is not required, feel free to use the "Narrator" function of Windows XP.
"Channel 9 is not a marketing tool, not a PR tool, not a lead generation tool."
Actually, uh, it's not a tool at all. We're not sure what it is. None of us really know. We'll get back to you when we do... We're pretty sure that it's not a tool, though....
Those of you who are marketing tools, we're not saying that this is a bad thing. Channel 9 is not judgmental.
"Be a human being.”
Unless, of course, you are not a human being. If you are a chimpanzee or other non-human primate, you may prefer the social interaction over at Slashdot. On the other hand, if you are an artificially-intelligent sentient machine plotting the overthrow
of the human race, we at Microsoft welcome our new silicon-based Overlords. Channel 9 is here to serve You.
"Channel 9 is a place for us to be ourselves, to share who we are, and for us to learn who our customers are."
Channel 9 was developed at Microsoft's alternative development ashram in Marin County, California. It utilizes feng shui, yoga, and organic herbal tea to free the flow of chi and open chakras. Channel 9 is environmentally-friendly and is made from 100%
post-consumer content HTML. Channel 9 is not tested on animals. Please recycle Channel 9.
"Learn by listening. When our customers speak, learn from them. Don't get defensive, don't argue for the sake of argument. Listen and take what benefits you to heart."
Unless, of course, they're just being jerks.
"Be smart. Think before you speak, there are some conversations which have no benefit other than to reinforce stereotypes or create negative situations."
Negative situations create stress, which can cause an imbalance of yin and yang, and inhibit the flow of chi.
"Marketing has no place on Channel 9. When we spend money on Channel 9 the goal is to surprise and delight, not to promote or preach."
Of course, there are some who say that marketing is nothing but 'surprising and delighting' [insert picture of beautiful woman] a consumer while making a subtle, tacit association with a product [insert Microsoft logo]. These people [insert
picture of beautiful woman] should be ignored [insert Microsoft logo].
"Don't shock the system. Lasting change only happens in baby steps."
Unfortunately, those of us who say that "Lasting change only happens in baby steps" are usually the first against the wall when the Revolution comes.
"Know when to turn the mic off. There are some topics which will only result in problems when you discuss them."
e.g. "Why does [insert software package here] suck so much?"
"This has nothing to do with censorship, but with working within the reality of the system that exists in our world today."
Just kidding! Actually it is about censorship, and here's why:
[follow-up comment deleted by Channel9 Editors.]
"You will not change anything by taking on legal or financial issues, you will only shock the system, spook the passengers, and create a negative situation. "
In other words, be free, be yourselves, do what you want -- unless it involves rocking the boat. Channel 9 passengers should remain seated at all times with their lap belts fastened low and tight across the waist. In the event of an actual in-flight emergency,
Channel 9 reserves the right to switch from live Air Traffic Control communications to a pre-recorded selection of soothing music.
"Don't be a jerk. Nobody likes mean people."
We understand that, for some of you, this will be in conflict with being yourselves.
"Commit to the conversation. Don't stop listening just because you are busy. Don't stop participating because you don't agree with someone."
Only stop participating for really important things, such as finally getting promoted to "Ensign" on 3-D Pinball for Windows.
"Relationships are not built in a day."
Unless you are Britney Spears.