Of course this is trolling. The question is incredibly limiting.
I could easily, for instance, spin this the other way.
Automatically distribute a package to users who logon, but only if they logon within a certain network zone, and only if they are running SuSE's latest build (9, right?).
Or, rollback the version of Konqueror across a WAN.
Or, give users a fully dynamic (integrated into your network with all their apps (no need to download or have installed), etc), seamless environment over dialup with no lag.
See, there are strengths and weaknesses to both OS's. As a sysadmin for a company roughly the size of MS it's the management tools that I love. Linux is just 'icky' that way. Asset Management? Remoting? Helpdesk? Package Management? Managed Virtual Environments?
But yeah, a lot of the shell commands in Linux are fantastic. Awesome in fact, as is the security model.