Coffeehouse Thread

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How do you make (woman) friends?

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  • User profile image
    Sathyaish Chakravarthy

    I don't know if we can post this here, but I am going to, because I think we can talk about general issues in the Coffee House.

    I really need help on this one. I need someone to talk to me and listen to me. When I approach a girl for friendship, it ends in two days because I like them so much and they can't take it. I am a very emotional person.

    How do you make friends, really? Last Sunday, I went to the movie theatre and I had made up my mind that that day, I was definitely going to make one (girl my) friend, so I'd have someone to talk to. But usually, I don't find all of the girls attractive. Those that I find attractive either already have boyfriends, or come to the theatres with their daddies and a brother or two, so I can't approach them.

    On a chat, you don't know who's who. Besides, I am not a chatty type. Like, how on earth do you make friends? Do you jsut walk up to them and say, "Hi! I wanna be your friend?", or something? How does it work?

    Help?

  • User profile image
    rasx

    Step one is to divide the population of women you are attracted to into two groups: the women that implicitly/explicitly support patriarchy and the women who don't.

    For the women who do support patriarchy, save your money because you will need to buy them. Bling. Bling, baby.

    For the women who do not support patriarchy you will need develop the concept that women are human beings---just like you. So ask yourself, Would you like to be approached by a stranger at a movie theater? My answer to that question is, no.

    There is the temptation to blame yourself for not having appropriate social access to adult women who posses all of their human rights. But you probably live in an industrial society and you probably are not a student of history so you deeply underestimate the power of urban alienation.

    Most people who are authentically successful with female contact have relationships that are established by old-fashioned family ties. It is based on the same networking skills that will get your next good job---just a little closer to home.

  • User profile image
    Sathyaish Chakravarthy

    I am not sure if I understand much of what you've said. My question is simple. Where can I find a woman who will talk to me and like me?

  • User profile image
    themaffeo

    Wow. This thread could spiral out of control just as fast as the bush 2004 one  (last time i looked they were talking about aliens)

    Anyway, here's my take:

    1) Relationships are an art, not an exact science - so stop trying to apply some sort of rational or formula to them (unless your a psyche major - then as you please)  I think that is the hardest part of romantic relationships for techies.

    2) Sloooooooowwwwwww down.  If the chicks think your going so fast they stop talking to you on day 2 then guess what - your going to fast.

    3)  Clean up. No, i dont mean change your personality, but most people will make an instant value judgement on you by the way you look - thats human nature.  Now some people are open minded enough that they will ignore physical appearance in lue (spelling?) of a 'connection'.  The problem is getting the hot girl to stick around long enough to learn about the 'inner you.' I'm in So Cal so I shop at anchol blue regularly, get my hair done every 2 weeks at a salon (to spike it or get tips), etc.  The 'X person should love me for being me' ideal is a nice ideal... but you'll get better results if you take care of your body and apperarnce.

    4) Confidence.  Just like dogs can smell fear, people can smell confidence.  Dont be cocky... just confident.

    5) Nerds are a stigma.  Dont bust out your 'l33t hax0r skilz' and start talking about Star Trek or C#, at least not right away...  I started my GF (now my wife) out slowly on nerdy things and then ramped up. Now she can give you a history of the political tensions that caused the Cardassians to Join with the dominion and what the federation might have done differnetly. (My kinda girl!)

    6) Be darwin.  Look at what your competition (read other successful guys) is doing and analyze your behavior vis-a-vis theirs.  Note discrepencies and attempt to fix.

    7) Channel the inner socialite.  You say your not a chatty type, believe it or not, neither am I.  But you NEED to talk to develope a raport with others.  This is something that just takes time and lots of very painful practice.

    8) Find a better place to pick up girls than the movie theater.  School is hands down the best. Followed closely by parties.

    9) Compliments.  Keeping in mind #4, have you ever tried telling a girl in a very sincere non-stalker way that she "looks quite beautiful tonight".  Try it. If there is one thing girls like more than choclolate, its compliments.

    10) Looks arn't everything.  Definatly dont settle for someone you dont want to look at, but i'd put intelligence above looks any day of the week.

    11) Your milage will very.  These are things that have worked well for me.  Though it is definatly not advice for everyone. Relationships and advice dont translate well over cultural bounderies, so if your living anywhere other than so cal, keep that in mind.  Also, I took a guess from your comments that you were between 14 and 18, so if you are much older, again, your results might vary as I don't ahve much experience with women over 30.

    Maybe that helps... maybe not.



  • User profile image
    RN

    Sathyaish Chakravarthy wrote:
    I am not sure if I understand much of what you've said. My question is simple. Where can I find a woman who will talk to me and like me?


    The comments on this thread are actually quite fabulous already (didn't expect that here) - but I think it's the old golden rule - just treat them like you would your male friends.

    Or, put more appropriately by a bushism -

    "The true strength of America happens when a neighbor loves a neighbor just like they'd like to be loved themselves."—Elizabeth, N.J., June 16, 2003

    OK - I'm sorry about that Smiley.

  • User profile image
    Keskos

    Sathyaish Chakravarthy wrote:
    I am not sure if I understand much of what you've said. My question is simple. Where can I find a woman who will talk to me and like me?


    Try to be yourslef, have confidence, and don't get scared too much about losing her. You can always find another one. Remember everybody is looking for one.

  • User profile image
    Sathyaish Chakravarthy

    More than anything else, I think this is what happens with me.

    >Sloooooooowwwwwww down.  If the chicks think your going so fast they stop talking to you on day 2 then guess what - your going to fast.

    Just two days back I met this beautiful babe. I really liked her a lot. No, that's an understatement. I thought about her all the 48 hours that I knew her. We chatted for about 6 hours or so. I woke up the whole night to chat so I could not miss the office next morning and I could also be with her. Then I wrote her an email when I reached the office.

    Then, the next day, she was a bit backing off. She told me to go slow. I did put on some new gear and made it slow. Then I wrote her another email and went to sleep the next night. I waited for the morning so I could see if she wrote to me. I kept thinking of her the whole night.

    The next morning, I got some offline messages telling me to bugger off. At first, I felt like I was stabbed. I felt very sad. Then I thought it was kind of ok, because may be I'd find someone who'd be right for me.

    One time, I fell for a girl in my office. This was 3.5 years back. I couldn't get over the fact that she didn't feel the same way for me. For a whole three and a half years, I was under the illusion that she loved me. I think I've now come to terms with the fact that I must move on.

    So, the issue is nothing, or very little to do with sex. It's about companionship. I spent my entire youth working and now when I go out, I feel like I am the only one without a girl friend.

    Most of the times, it's ok because there's a certain kind of contentment in being alone. But sometimes, it hurts like a thousand knives.

    I am very uxorious and very romantic by nature, and hardly nerdy when I talk to a girl. But that is precisely what they can't handle. Well, not all of them. I have the feeling that they like me, but I don't know.

  • User profile image
    rjdohnert

    " Just two days back I met this beautiful babe. I really liked her a lot. No, that's an understatement. I thought about her all the 48 hours that I knew her. We chatted for about 6 hours or so. I woke up the whole night to chat so I could not miss the office next morning and I could also be with her. Then I wrote her an email when I reached the office "

    Dude, first off here is my insight to your problem.  Im going to be blunt.  Do you really just want a friend or do you want to get laid?  getting laid is simple.  Getting to be friends is harder.  Chatting is good, but dont overdue it.  6 hours is too long.   You have to get to know the chick a little bit before you have chat fests like that.  I assume she works with you so I will say this.  Be nice to her.  Do not buy her drinks or snacks and roll up on her cubicle every hour on the hour.  be nice to her, say "Hi" in the hallways and when you get breaks and if she is sitting all on her own just talk to her.  Do not go up to her and say " I love you, I want to be with you, I see my unborn children in your eyes'  That'll freak her out and you just blew your whole agenda.  "Hi, how are you my name is XXXX.  Whats your name?" works a lot more.  Talk to her about her job " So, what do you do here?"  Common dialog, thats the key.  try not to picture you putting her on the table and ripping her blouse off.

    " Then, the next day, she was a bit backing off. She told me to go slow. I did put on some new gear and made it slow. Then I wrote her another email and went to sleep the next night. I waited for the morning so I could see if she wrote to me. I kept thinking of her the whole night. "

    Yep, you reached stalker status.  Dont put on new gear, just dress like yourself.  Dont send too many e-mails. Don't anticipate anything.  Just go with the flow.  Think of a river see how smooth it runs.  you arent being that type of river.  you are the type of river that people White Water raft on.

    " The next morning, I got some offline messages telling me to bugger off. At first, I felt like I was stabbed. I felt very sad. Then I thought it was kind of ok, because may be I'd find someone who'd be right for me. "

    Congrats you got leper status.  Dont worry about it tho, we all make mistakes just try to learn from them.

    " So, the issue is nothing, or very little to do with sex. It's about companionship"

    You sure?  Sounds like to me that you are looking for a mate and not  companionship."

    " I am very uxorious and very romantic by nature, and hardly nerdy when I talk to a girl. But that is precisely what they can't handle. Well, not all of them. I have the feeling that they like me, but I don't know. "

    How to tell if a chick digs you.  first if they smile and laugh, thats a good sign.  If she is about to go on break and she approaches you and asks you if you want to join her, definately a good sign but that doesnt mean she is willing to let you dip into the honeypot yet.  If she sees you and turns around and walks the other way.  Not a good sign.  if you meet with your boss and she has filed a sexual harrassment complaint against you, definately not a good sign.  If she is married leave her the hell alone, most husbands do not like their wives to have guy friends.

  • User profile image
    manickernel

    Back before I got into IT I used to captain Sport Fish boats for awhile. When you go out trolling you drop Ballyhoo or other lures behind the boat in a spread. Some fish, like Mahi-Mahi are realtively easy to hook. (and great to eat too!) The more desirable fish, at least from most owners standpoint, are Marlin. For them you have to watch carefully to see when the are about to strike. If you allow the lure to just fall back into thier mouth they will just spit it right back out...but, if each time they go to strike... you pull it just out of reach, they stay interested. You can't pull it to far out of reach or they lose interest, and you kinda have to judge the attitude 'cause if you play them too long they tire of the game. But if you get it just right they will finally strike fierce and hard and be fully hooked and ready to land.

    Women are the same way.

  • User profile image
    Sean

    What worked for me (and landed me my fiance) was just going out and doing the things I was interested in.  Sports, computers, and getting involved in communities that did the things I enjoyed.  I eventually met my current fiance through soccer, and things have gone from there, been with her for 4 years now.

    Now meeting other women is easy, I just parade through her friends.  Not that I'm looking for anything more than another friend at this point, but you get to hang with a lot of girls through your own girlfriend.

  • User profile image
    rasx

    Sathyaish Chakravarthy wrote:
    I am not sure if I understand much of what you've said. My question is simple. Where can I find a woman who will talk to me and like me?


    Your question is not simple but your response tells me that I should go and think of more scientific and antiseptic ways of expressing myself so I can further not be understood. I keep forgetting that I need to get that "golly," "gee whiz" vibe going...

    Read. Parse. Explicitly reduce to the absurd. Do not skim and gloss and pessimistically guess because you might miss what you were looking for...

  • User profile image
    Karim

    manickernel wrote:
    Back before I got into IT I used to captain Sport Fish boats for awhile. When you go out trolling you drop Ballyhoo or other lures behind the boat in a spread. Some fish, like Mahi-Mahi are realtively easy to hook. (and great to eat too!) The more desirable fish, at least from most owners standpoint, are Marlin. For them you have to watch carefully to see when the are about to strike. If you allow the lure to just fall back into thier mouth they will just spit it right back out...but, if each time they go to strike... you pull it just out of reach, they stay interested. You can't pull it to far out of reach or they lose interest, and you kinda have to judge the attitude 'cause if you play them too long they tire of the game. But if you get it just right they will finally strike fierce and hard and be fully hooked and ready to land.

    Women are the same way.


    LOL very funny!  And enlightening.  Do you have an agent lined up for Everything I Needed to Know About Women I Learned from Sport Fishing?

    You see a similar economic principle in other areas... things that have an associated cost (e.g. effort to get lure) are often perceived as superior to things that have no cost (e.g. "dead" lure).

    Can sport fish tell the difference between cubic zirconias and real diamonds, though?  I mean, how far does this analogy go?



  • User profile image
    Karim

    RN wrote:

    The comments on this thread are actually quite fabulous already (didn't expect that here) - but I think it's the old golden rule - just treat them like you would your male friends.


    Are you a woman?

    Because, if you are, I'd just like to say that you are looking quite beautiful tonight.  LOL

  • User profile image
    Karim

    themaffeo wrote:

    4) Confidence.  Just like dogs can smell fear, people can smell confidence.


    Confidence.  By Calvin Klein.

    Seriously, though, it was very good advice.

  • User profile image
    UdoSchroeter

    Sounds like you are lonely. The important thing is that you have to realize: lonely people don't get friends or mates. You need to change your lifestyle, seriously.

    First
    , you will need to have more friends in general. You said that you have been working your * off for years and now you realize that you're all alone. So first step has to be, become more social. Try to make some male friends first. That's difficult enough. And don't push to hard there, too. You'll have to get to know a whole bunch of people, one or two isn't enough. So, acquire at least five or six "pals" and do some social stuff like, drinking excessively, perhaps. Get a feel for the different types of people out there. It helps to put them into categories, so you can choose your future friends and mates more efficiently.

    Second step. Now the women. Use your new friends to chat up groups of women at social events, like bars or discos for example. Again, don't push too hard there. Just get some practice in talking to girls, OK? Don't just throw your heart away at some girl because she smiled at you. After you have been chatting up girls for a few weeks, eventually some will have sex with you. Now, don't think that you're finished here! It's just a sign that you improved. It does NOT mean you have found your partner for life just because some girl was horny and you got lucky. Again, get a feel for this. Practice.

    Third step. If you completed the first two steps successfully, you'll have a lot of male and female friends all over town. It feels good to have a lot of friends. You'll notice that all of a sudden it's very easy to find new people. Now, enjoy your life. It is important that you do NOT actively look for a girlfriend. Instead, just relax and enjoy your life and wait. Eventually, you'll find a partner automatically.

  • User profile image
    UdoSchroeter

    By the way Sathyaish, where do you live?
    USA?

  • User profile image
    harumscarum

    Las Vegas, alcohol, and a pay check. No matter what you will come back a different man.

  • User profile image
    lars

    themaffeo wrote:
    (last time i looked they were talking about aliens)


    Love. Hate. Anger. Friendship. Flames. Clown shoes. Politics. UFOs. Amazing Technology. Cool people. Channel9 has it all!

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