Coffeehouse Thread

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I am an Alchoholic

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  • User profile image
    Niner in hiding

    Sorry, if this isn't an appropriate place for my somber diatribe; I just need to vent a little bit here.

    I am a regular member of this community, I created a new name to mask my real identity, not because of you guys, you all have been great and I love you all, even the guys that I tend to vocally disagree with regularly.

    I hid my real identity, because many people in my everyday life, know my niner name as well, and I really don't want my boss to know, not at this point anyway.

    I had a very humbling realization last evening, I am a certifiable alchoholic.  I am letting booze control my emotions and life, so much so, it's to the point it has effected my emotional health even when I'm not on the sauce.

    It is ruining my marriage, my emotional health and just overall effecting my everyday life in a negative way.

    Last night I hit bottom.

    Not only did I lash out at my wife and attack her in a barrage of ugly words, but I hurt her emotiaonally and got myself into a bit of trouble with the law as well.

    I don't think, I'm a bad or evil guy, but when I am drinking, my mood can change so quickly and viciously, and I usually end up really hurting the people that I care most about, and that care the most about me.

    I don't drink everyday, but it's to the point wher it is almost everyday, and when I do drink, I drink way way too much.

    Even after I am completely incoherrent, I continue drinking.

    My beautiful wife and I had a great evening out, and all it took was an alchohol induced mood swing to send me on a rampage and say and do some aweful things.

    We ended up fighting in public, someone saw us, and called the police (I was being very obnoxious, to say the least).

    To make a long story short as well as to spare you from the shameful details, my wife tried to protect me from the police and everything would have been fine, but you see I have this problem with keeping my mouth shut and keeping my sanity when I am drinking.

    One thing lead to another and I was booked on 3 Misdemeanor charges of 
    * Disorderly Conduct
    * Resisting Arrest
    * Making false claims to a 911 operator

    Spent the night in jail, and I did alot of hard thinking.
    I can't continue living this way. I am really hurting the person that I care so much about and hurting myself.

    I use booze as a magic pill. It helps me forget about my anxieties and feel more relaxed and intimate with people.

    But the booze doen't really help those things, I just think it does because I'm drunk and don't care at that time due to all that booze effecting my brain and emotions.

    I push people to drink with me, I rely on booze to help with my intamcy issues, and I always feel like I need booze to 'have a good time'.

    I don't know how my wife has stayed with me, I am in constant fear that one day she will either leave or I will hurt her while I am juiced up.

    I know she is pretty fed up, and I realize why. But last night I also realized how much she really cares to put up with all this nonsense.

    I just spoke with one of my old counselors,  and they think I should start going to AA meetings as well as get back into weekly individual counceling sessions, which I am in complete agreement with.

    Anyway, I just needed to get this off my chest, even if it is somewhat anonymously.  Although I'm sure some of you may suspect who I am. And that's fine, just please if you know who I am, keep it shushed for now.

    I have a long road ahead. I want to be a healthy person, with a healthy (emotionally and physically) life in a caring environment that I can really contribute to, instead of sucking all the love and effort out of the people I truely care about like a sponge as I am now.

    If, anyone has any insight, please do feel free to contact me.


    To all those people I have been a (I need to watch my language) to, I truely apologize.

    To my wife, I am so sorry for everything I have ever put you through. I adore you so much, you are the greatest woman I have ever known and truely a gift to cherish. I will straighten my act out, and make this all up to you. This time, I will beat this. Not because someone thinks I have a problem, because I realize the problem and it's effets and want no more part of it.

    To the officers I insulted and was a complete jerk to, please accept my apologies. I'm really not like that. I have a big problem that I need to fix. I appreciatte your service to the community and am sorry you had to spend an hour and a half dealing with a drunken jerk like me last night.

  • User profile image
    Lloyd_Humph

    Well, I think I speak for all niners when we say that you have our full support.

    Good luck getting clean.

    If Blackberrys are addictive cellphones, Channel9 is the ultimate addictive website.
    Last modified
  • User profile image
    ZippyV

    Are you Raymond?

  • User profile image
    Niner in hiding

    ZippyV wrote:
    Are you Raymond?


    I can say that I am not.
    But please don't try to guess openly.

    One of the effects I use booze for is my paranoia, so please don't make me paranoid that pople that I work with will find out who I am.

    They don't really particpate in C9, but I know they lurk around from time to time.

  • User profile image
    ZippyV

    Niner in hiding wrote:
    
    ZippyV wrote:
    Are you Raymond?


    I can say that I am not.
    But please don't try to guess openly.


    It would have explained a lot if you were.

  • User profile image
    Lloyd_Humph

    ZippyV wrote:
    
    Niner in hiding wrote:
    
    ZippyV wrote:
    Are you Raymond?


    I can say that I am not.
    But please don't try to guess openly.


    It would have explained a lot if you were.


    Rather offensive, no?

    Don't turn this thread into an attack. This sortof stuff takes b0lloc|<s

    If Blackberrys are addictive cellphones, Channel9 is the ultimate addictive website.
    Last modified
  • User profile image
    TommyCarlier

    Some advice that might help (or not). Try to stay busy. Start new hobbies, learn new languages. Just keep your mind off the bottle. Do things with your wife. Learn to dance, or whatever. Try to have as much fun as possible without having to drink. Convince yourself you don't need alcohol.

  • User profile image
    Lloyd_Humph

    Just don't become addicted to those things Wink

    I must say at one point in the past I was addicted to computer games. I would kick bite scratch and swear if someone decided to pull the plug on me... I found regular badminton fixed it for me.

    If Blackberrys are addictive cellphones, Channel9 is the ultimate addictive website.
    Last modified
  • User profile image
    ZippyV

    Lloyd_Humph wrote:
    Rather offensive, no?


    Totally not.

    It looks like Niner in hiding is going in the good direction. He admitted his problem and is now in the next phase of solving it. It won't be solved in one day but the most difficult step has already been set. From this point on he can only go up in his life.

  • User profile image
    Lloyd_Humph

    I mean towards Raymond...

    If Blackberrys are addictive cellphones, Channel9 is the ultimate addictive website.
    Last modified
  • User profile image
    anand.t

    I guess you should try to find out what is that you like most in your life after alcohol and try to concentrate on that whenever you suffer from anxiety. It might be anything. I love sleeping. Whenever I feel very anxious or sad or tensed I go home and start sleeping to relax and cool myself. Also sometimes I browse aimlessly and reply to every useless thread in every useless forum whenever I feel lost or not cared. Community can soothe you. It is virtual in my case, but you might be a very social person so mingle more with friends.

    If you just think you will find that there are many people who care about you and think about you. But you will never have thought about them nor would have spent time with them. Think about them and start spending time with them. I can tell that you will end up a better person.

     Many of the anxities atleast those I have had are because of some useless reason or because I am trying to do something I really hate. I guess you have tried any of these nor have you tried to think as to what is causing to act like this.

    And yes try to meet with some professional counsellor and stop drinking. I donno why so many people on earth are drinking. I have never had an urge to drink. Sometimes friends force but you can always avoid that if you have the will.

    I dont think there is any one thing that has the force to control you...except the evil monopoloy Tongue Out MSFT.

    Edit: Forgot to add. Dont start drinking for your law problems now. They wont help. Instead go out and get a good lawyer.

    I am no certified counsellor

  • User profile image
    Lloyd_Humph

    You don't have to completely lay off the sauce, but in the first few months of getting out of it, stay away.

    Just remember if you're hard-core you can hardly just take away the alchohol.

    If Blackberrys are addictive cellphones, Channel9 is the ultimate addictive website.
    Last modified
  • User profile image
    Rossj

    Lloyd_Humph wrote:
    You don't have to completely lay off the sauce, but in the first few months of getting out of it, stay away.

    Just remember if you're hard-core you can hardly just take away the alchohol.


    First bit of advice is don't take advice from Minors who aren't legally entitled to drink for another half decade Smiley

    Other than that, you've done the hard part, just try and let people help you to help yourself.

  • User profile image
    Lloyd_Humph

    Well, what I said isnt complete rubbish is it? If you just take it away... your body becomes used to these things, like smoking, more and more brain cells become dependant on it, and if you take it away > dead.

    If Blackberrys are addictive cellphones, Channel9 is the ultimate addictive website.
    Last modified
  • User profile image
    irascian

    There's a hoary old cliche that just admitting you have a problem is half the way towards solving the problem.

    I would certainly attend an AA meeting. What have you got to lose? If you don't like it or it doesn't work out you can always stop going. But you might find it easier to discuss these things and start on a recovery program if you're talking with people who have similar problems, rather than here where few of us have little real experience of the problem or how to deal with it. There's a lot of people who think alcoholism is partly a genetic problem, and Lord knows I.T. is a stressful occupation but there aren't too many alcoholics in the industry (but I have worked with a few).

    Don't be too pessimistic about what happened with your wife. Discuss the issue with her and explain what you're going to do to try and solve your problem. It sounds like she'll support you all the way.

    Good luck, and keep us all informed as to your progress.

  • User profile image
    AndyC

    Accepting that you have a problem and that you need help is a really important step, so well done for starting down the road to recovery. Going to AA meetings is definitely a good idea, you can't get through something like this alone. Hope all goes well for you and that you get your life back on track.

  • User profile image
    theshadguy

    Like others have said, don't hesitate to seek help or to let those who love you help. You are not a monster, you are human. Be humbled by what you are and don't worry what people might think about you. You've seen that you can't continue on your current path, SO DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO STAY OFF IT. Have faith in yourself. Have faith in others. But whatever you do, just know that you are human, and you can do this.

  • User profile image
    Xaero_​Vincent

    I'm 20 years old and only had one tiny sip of alchohol in my entire life. Haven't ever smoked or did any illegal drugs either. Though, I'm sure I've gotten a few cigerettes worth of second hand smoke and tailpipe fumes.

    You can do it too.

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